What I Have Learned On Yom Kippur - Well Shut My Mouth!

     Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, has just ended.  The past 10 days have been days of deep introspection.  I have taken this time very serious and as of last Friday I thought I had a good handle on my spiritual life.  That is until Saturday evening.  I attended a local competition event and left so angry I could spit.  After I returned home I began to grumble and growl with a slightly raised voice.  I was venting to my husband who simply gave me that look.  You know the one, a look which said, "That is about enough.  I don't want to hear it."

     When I realized the look he was giving I shut my mouth, thought about what I had said and suddenly felt like the smallest human being on earth.  I had to admit verbally that I was filled with anger.  Anger not only about the event I had attended, but just anger in general.  I come home from work almost daily filled with anger.  I do not look forward to going to church each Sunday, because I am ..... angry.  I can't even hear the names of certain people without becoming ANGRY!  (And the list seems to be growing!)

     I looked my husband in the eye and said, "I don't understand why I am so angry all the time, but it has to stop.  I have to find the source of my anger and deal with it.  So began my journey.  I knew Yom Kippur was coming up in only a few days, so it was absolutely necessary that I deal with this quickly.  I have flung myself headlong before God's throne each evening to beseech Him about this matter.  I have asked Him to show me the cause and how to deal with it. 

     The first answer I received was to be silent.  For someone who is kinda known as the mouth of the south at work, this was no small undertaking.  I love to talk and I love to joke around, but God said NO!  Again I heard Him say, "Be quiet."  My co-workers thought I was mad about something.  My husband gave a sigh of relief! Ha!  Well, I have tried very hard and have managed to do so for the most part.  I haven't been totally silent, but have tried to only speak words that are absolutely necessary.

     One co-worker in particular is a tremendous cause for my anger and for two days I was totally silent to him in particular.  I will just refer to him as "Jack."  My silence toward him is mainly due to him being one of the reasons I am so angry at the end of the day.  He kept asking if I was mad at him and I told him no.  I said I just don't feel like talking. 

     "Jack" irritates me so much that I have literally been praying for God to love him through me, because I cannot love this guy.  In fact I can barely tolerate this guy.  I know that something is not quite right with him and it is something he cannot help, but he drives me up the wall.  If things aren't done the way he wants them done, even if it has nothing to do with him, he pouts and whines like a five year old.  Yet, I know he cannot help the way he is.  If I had to guess I would say he falls somewhere under the Autism umbrella, most likely under the spectrum of Aspergers.  He does not seem to understand proper social protocol.

     Today as we were working, he again asked if I was mad at him.  I shook my head no and he turned his eyes up and said, "Thank you Lord."  I had to fight my mind and the things I wanted to say.  Later while helping a different co-worker I was astonished to learn something new.  "Jack" had shared with this man, a few years back, stories of things his parents did to him while growing up.  These stories were of physical abuse, some severe.  I really don't think "Jack" realizes he was abused. 

     Suddenly it was as if scales fell from my eyes and I saw "Jack" differently.  I no longer saw him as an irritating, immature man.  I actually felt sorrow.  Sorrow for a man who has known nothing but abuse and bullying.  Sorrow for my own sin of adding to the heap of thorns which have been piled on him.  How could I have allowed myself to become just another in his long list of bullies and abusers? 

     For the past 10 days God has reviewed the works of each and every man and woman.  On Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement, God makes His judgement based on those works and records His final decision in the Book of Life or the Book of Death for the coming year.  At the close of Yom Kippur the books are closed.....the final verdict is sealed. 

     There are many scriptures read on this day in Israel and among Jews everywhere.  Modern day Messianic Gentiles add a New Testament scripture as well, Matthew 12:22-50.  During my morning break I read Exodus 34:28-29 and Leviticus 16:1-34.  At lunch it was Numbers 29:7-11 and the passage from Matthew.  The first three passages are the requirements for the High Priest on Yom Kippur.  The passage from Matthew has a verbal tally to Yom Kippur as well. 


     Matthew 12 contains a few verses one doesn't usually hear in a sermon.

Matthew 12:33-37,
33“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. 34“You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. 35“The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. 36“But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. 37“For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” NASB

     I read verse 36 and my heart felt as though it were going to stop.  Verse 37 didn't make me feel any better.  I stopped and I prayed.  I didn't want to be a bad tree yielding bad fruit.  I didn't want to have an evil heart.  I desperately want to have a good tree yielding good fruit and a good heart that brings forth from its good treasure things that are good.  That is what I want and what I need to do.  I guess I would have cried if I hadn't been in a very public place.  I poured out my heart to God and left all the bad fruit at His feet.  I begged Him to prune me and bring me back into proper alignment with Him and His Word.

     Lunch ended and I walked back to my area with a renewed heart.  I still kept my mouth shut more, but I made the decision to think over my words before speaking them.  I knew this fact already, but I suppose God had to show this to my face for it to sink in; everyone has a back story to their life.  Some stories are wonderful, while others have endured the unimaginable.  All people need to feel loved and believe their life has meaning.  Some have been mistreated by so many people they cannot see their worth or believe they are loved.  Many times those people act out in ways we deem socially unacceptable and we only add insult to injury by chastising them or making fun of them for their actions. 

     I know this issue is not over for me.  I have a long road ahead and 50+ years of misspoken words to undo, but according to Matthew12:33 it can be done.  I have chosen to pick off the bad fruit and cast it into the fire so that good fruit can grow.  I know that how I respond is MY choice and I need to take a proactive approach to these people.  It will require me to keep my mouth shut more and listen.  (Not easy for the mouth of the south!)   Choosing my words will not be easy, but is attainable.  I think I will eventually be overcome with a peace that envelopes me and those around me.  I MUST take all negative thoughts captive at the onset and cast them aside as well.  Verse 34 says that it begins in the heart and comes out through the mouth. 

     I pray that you will let these words of Matthew sink into your heart and life as well and if necessary, take the steps to make your tree a good tree bearing good fruit.  I pray that your name has been inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year!  Shalom!