Are you one of those people who goes into a depression when Christmas is over? Perhaps you are like me and it isn't the fact that all the hoopla is over, but more about things and events which did not turn out the way you wanted.
I remember one Christmas when I was about 12. My nephew was about 6 and we had an aunt, (his great-aunt) who always came to open gifts with us. She had asked his mom what she could get him for Christmas. The mother told the aunt that he could use some underwear. I will never forget the look on his face when he opened them. He was so disappointed and cried. My aunt looked at the mom and said, "How could you do this? His little heart is broken. I will never give them anything other than a toy again!" With that she reached into her purse and pulled out a $5 bill for him. (Hint, back in 1970, $5 was a big deal!)
My husband tells of his Christmas gifts while growing up. They were a very poor family and he had three siblings. Every year he received the same thing; socks and a bucket of toy soldiers. He too had an aunt that gave them all gifts. It was from her that he received the toy soldiers.
I, on the other hand, had grown up in a family who was a little better off financially. Every year I received several toys, games and clothes. I was always thrilled with the things I received. Christmas Eve was spent with my family having a fabulous evening meal then gift opening. The next morning I would awake to gifts from Santa. The rest of the day was spent with a noon meal at my maternal grandparents home, surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins.
My dream was to someday be a wife and mother, surrounded by my family and bestowing wonderful gifts on all of them. This is the way Christmas went for me until 10 years ago. My oldest son had just married and my dad was in the last stage of his life. As my son and daughter-in-law headed four hours north to be with her family, my dad was hospitalized with pneumonia. He would be in the hospital for two weeks. As my family gathered to eat and open gifts, I spent the entire evening with my Daddy. We talked the hours away as he told me about his salvation and things he regretted in his life. He also told me the things which were of the utmost importance to him. Some of those things were personal between him and me and aren't things I want to divulge. It would be only one month before we would say our last good-bye.
Less than 5 months later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery, recovery, an infection.....months of recovery. All the while I had a husband and an 11 year old at home. My son and his wife moved to Louisville. The first to leave home, I had no time for grieving his move, I had my mother to care for. Christmas was way different that year. No Dad, Mom sick, son away from home with no plans to spend the time off with his family. My first Christmas without my dad and my oldest son.
The next year was filled with more "stuff". The doctors planned a hysterectomy for me at the beginning of June. Two weeks before my surgery, my son called to say that they were moving to Colorado. My husband, youngest son and I headed to Louisville to help them load everything up on a U-Haul. The day of my surgery, they headed toward Colorado Springs.
Colorado was just a little too far to travel to or from for the next Christmas so again the time was spent with the remaining family, missing my son and my dad. In April we received the news that we would become grandparents right about Christmas that year. Excited was an understatement, but just a month later my mom lost her battle with cancer. Christmas would NEVER be the same again.
As Christmas drew near, the son and wife had moved in with her parents four hours north of us. They had left the jobs in Colorado due to some ugly circumstances on the part of the employer, but this also left them without jobs or income and a baby on the way. On Dec. 23 we received the call that labor had begun and we headed toward the hospital. Late that evening we laid eyes on the little bundle of blue. Bittersweet emotions ravaged me. Joy over the birth of a grandson, but heartbreak that my parents didn't live long enough to meet him. On Christmas Eve we headed back home to a house full of family at my brother's. Joy spread as I let everyone view the pictures of the newborn grandson.
Great expectations from me over what the next several years of Christmas celebrations would be like. Those expectations have never been realized though. We have never spent a Christmas with our son and his family. Every year I expect, but those expectations never come to fruition. Each year about the first of November I go into a horrible funk and become depressed. My birthday also falls in this time period.
As my youngest son began to come of age he has made sure to remember my birthday and Christmas. He tries to plan something special for me and is very thoughtful with his gifts. But now there is a young lady in his life and her mom lives on the other side of the United States from us. The girlfriend always goes to her mom's the day after Christmas and stays until after the first of the year. She is a precious young woman and I know she only sees her mom about twice a year, so I don't begrudge her of that.
My son and his girlfriend try to spend one evening with us at Christmas, but this year due to a special circumstance that had to fly out on the Sunday before. This year it was just me and the husband, all alone. I tried to keep up my spirits and made it okay until Christmas night. As I sat there looking at my decorated tree with absolutely no gifts under it, depression began to set in. The next day would be a work day for me and I was just flat out angry about it all.
Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been the most important and special time of the year for me. There is just some magical quality about it. If you are all alone or wish to just simply let Christmas pass you by for a year it is almost impossible. Everywhere you turn there are lights, trees, commercials and programs. Church is transformed into this "joyous" place. Dinners at work, cards arriving in the mail and questions.....lots of questions; "When are your grandchildren arriving?" "Are you cooking for your family?" Questions which leave me in a terrible place. At first I feel hurt, then anger as I struggle to explain why I won't see any of my children at Christmas.
Last Thursday evening I went to bed so angry. I vented my anger as my husband lay there in bed listening. Then as he drifted off to sleep, I vented to God through lots of tears. I knew I should be thankful. After all, just two days before Christmas a co-worker had buried his 55 year old wife, (also a co-worker). I should be thankful to be alive and well. I should be thankful that I have two healthy, wonderful sons. I should be thankful that I have two healthy precious grandsons. I should be thankful that, as far as we know, my husband and I are healthy, but I was hurting and angry. Why had God allowed this to happen to me? Why couldn't I feel grateful and thankful? There were people much worse off than me. Just this past February my great-nephew and his wife had buried their 9 month old daughter. My heart ached for them, but I couldn't get past me.
Today, Sunday, Dec. 28, 2014 I opened my Sunday School book to look over the lesson as I drank my coffee. The title of the lesson was: The Shelter of God's Encouragement. Across the page was a question, "When do you feel like singing the blues?" I took the book to my husband and said, "Look at today's lesson in the book." The scripture was from Psalms 42 and 43.
In class the teacher asked a lot of questions. I, along with many others, commented on his questions. One thing that came from those conversations was the fact that when we are hurting or angry, it is okay to vent to God. He is our shelter and we are safe with him. When we finish, He says, "Well, do you feel better? Are you ready to hear what I have to say now?"
One specific question the teacher asked was, "What do you do when your expectations aren't met? Perhaps we have unrealistic expectations." Wow, was that my problem? Did I have unrealistic expectations? As I drove home from Church I thought about a time in my life when I realized that as long as I held on to the past I could not move forward. It's kind of like that child on the playground who is swinging. You tell them it is time to go and they start screaming, "No, I don't want to go," as they grab the chains and hang on for dear life. All the while the next stop is the beach. Oh my! I suddenly realized that I am that child! I have been hanging on to Christmas past and until I let go, I cannot experience the Christmas future.
Encouragement from God's Word and His people are both invaluable for us. It caused me to begin thinking again about an old poem I have always loved. The poem talks about us being like children who bring their broken toys for us to mend. We bring all our broken dreams, promises others have made and not kept, expectations, etc to God.....but the poem ends with the child screaming, "How could you be so slow?" to which God replies, "Child, you never let go....."
As I struggle to deal with how to let go of my expectations in order for God to give me greater expectations, I pray that you will learn to let go of the expectations in your life that are unrealistic or unmet. I will pray for all of you and I ask that you pray for me as well. And, as the New Year is upon us, let ALL your words be encouraging words that lead people TO God. It is not easy, believe me. I know all the right things, but find it hard to do on a daily basis. That is why it is so important that we pray for each other and you will find that on the days you are having difficulties, someone else has just come through that time in their life and can be a blessing and encouragement to you. In the same manner, as you come out on the other side, look for someone to whom you can be an encouragement.
"Dispatch Your light and Your truth, they will guide me, they will bring me to Your holy mountain and to Your dwellings. That I may come to the altar of God, to God, the gladness of my joy; and praise You on the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, my soul, and why are you disturbed on my account? Hope to God, for I shall yet thank Him for the salvations of my countenance and because He is my God!" Psalms 43:3-5
Shalom!
